Afterthought

I've lost the zeal

I've lost my faith

I've lost my focus

I've lost everything that defined me

I sit here and all I do is hallucinate

And I imagine you sitting beside me

Can I touch you? No

Can you talk to me? No

I know you're not here

I know I'm not sane

But I would do nothing to keep you from disappearing

I want you with me

I've always said if you want a person to stay,

you do something about it

I'm not letting you go,

Not this time

Not when I don't feel like being alive anymore

Not when I can't find anything to keep me going

I don't want to die

I don't want to live either

Can I be somewhere in between?

Like Schrodinger's Cat, both dead and alive?

I'd like to be somewhere in that superposition

I don't feel like being here makes sense

But you, you keep me going

As I write this,

You stare at the laptop screen

As if you could read what I was writing

And now you smile

Why couldn't you smile when I was around the real you?

I can talk to you for hours

You even change clothes every day

You wear stuff I've never seen in life ever

Is this my brain telling me to get treated?

It knows that I know that you're not real

I speak, you say nothing

At least you carry some real aspect in you

And although I know you don't exist sitting beside me

I still can't dare to hug you

You're too pure for me to touch

I turn my head and you're suddenly pacing around the room now

You seem angry

Is it something I've done?

Is it this thing I'm writing?

You stopped

It is this thing I'm writing isn't it

I told you it's the last thing I ever write

I can't do anything to make you go away

I don't want to

And I can't do the things I was allegedly good at

It's better if we end it like this

You and me together

That way I don't let you go, and still, go away

I just hope you stay

Live forever in these meaningless words

Live forever, tormented, in agony, alone

As I publish this, turn the laptop screen down

Leave the people behind, put the barrel to my mouth

I utter my last words for you to hear

Your eyes now all teared up

You know them don't you

You're me after all

I lost the zeal, my faith, my focus, everything

And the day I lost my soul you appeared.