Do You Still Love Me?

Where everyone’s story starts with a ‘Hey,’ ours was different. It started with a vow of me not talking to you. Years have passed, and I think I’m living up to that vow. I don’t think I would ever find someone as good as you. Maybe I don’t want to find someone else. I think it’s just a matter of time before I come back to my senses and start slaying people again, but until then, I’m vulnerable, and I don’t know who to talk to or where to go. I have a love story, and I love every part of it. And it’s just so that we don’t happen to be together anymore. No wonder it’s killing me from the inside, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t stop loving you for even a second of my life. Now you may have noticed me looking at you in between classes, and I can’t stop doing that even if I wanted to. This is something I had been doing for the past 4 months, and this has become a habit. I still remember each and everything about us. The time when I used to sit behind you because one of my friends wanted to sit behind one of your friends (They happened to be in a relationship). That was the time when I first came to know that you’re not the person that I thought you were. You are actually a living example of fun and joy. And then I used to run my pen on your back (innocently), and you thought it to be something else. I don’t really understand why people think that, but I guess I am that creepy, so I let it slide away. That was the time I distanced myself from you, and it was pretty normal stuff until farewell came, and we started talking again. Maybe it was then you realized that I am not what they say I am. Maybe it was then you realized that we are very much alike. And maybe it was then when you realized that you like me. Maybe. During that time, I don’t know what happened to you or to me, but I do know one thing, and that is you cared a lot for me. I can’t think of any time when I’ve hurt myself, and someone had actually cared for me instead of giving me a lecture on ‘Why I Shouldn’t Do This Kind of Stuff.’ But you really cared. It was that time when you told me that I should sleep and let others do some work as well (which they did), and you were the one who told me that I did a fabulous job despite the workload that I put you through. And I don’t know if you realized at that time, but I developed an interest in you. And then when I stuck a needle in my hand, you came by, and I remember the exact words were,” Mujhe dikha. Dikha na kaha lagi hai. Just show it to me. PP show it to me”. Now I don’t know who does that, but it sure felt strange (in a nice way). And I don’t know if I would ever be able to forget any of this (I won’t). This was the start of our daily talks, which were pretty much senseless but they were a lot of fun. And if the humankind ever builds a time machine, I would love to go back in those conversations and live them exactly like they were because those were the most perfect conversations. And then it finally happened. On the 16th of March, 2019, I finally texted you, “I think I like you.” It was really a great deal for me as I’ve never said this to anyone. And I was terrified, and I even thought of unsending the message. But then you started typing, and there were butterflies in my mouth, and before I could know, there was the message “Ohh My Gawwdd.” It made me laugh if you want to know my reaction. I couldn’t believe that it was actually happening, but I was finally in a relationship. And we decided to talk stuff out on the 18th of March in school. Now I know that you didn’t want to be in a relationship right from the start and I think this is because you have been made to believe all your life that you’re not loveable or no one would ever like you. Let me tell you a little secret, the world is a fucked-up place where people will always talk irrespective of what you’re doing. They don’t really care; they just need something to talk about. And such is life. But still, I succumbed to that pretty face. I listened to the one-sided lecture sort of thing that you gave me on the morning of the 18th of March about why we shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’m glad that I actually went up to you in the recess and put forward my point of view because I couldn’t be able to forgive myself if I haven’t done my bit towards our relationship. And I told you that we didn’t need to make it public and whatever we would do would be between us only. It was then, when we decided the rules of this relationship thing and the top of it was, we both were always the second priority after our families. You still remain my second one but I don’t know if I even exist in that priority list or if I’m just one of those other friends that you have. I don’t really want to know the answer though. That was the day when I couldn’t control my feelings. Maybe because I had been controlling them for two whole days and now it was impossible to lock them anymore. These past 4 months had been happier than one can imagine them to be. But I felt something before going on the trip. You were upset and you didn’t tell me why. Now I don’t know why you would do that but I can tell that you were really upset about something and you’ve been upset about it since. I always say that I am not a perfect boyfriend but you are the most perfect girlfriend anyone can have. And when I see you with others, I feel that we were better as friends. At least we could talk without caring about others. And I don’t know what happened but I sure as hell want to return to that time when we talked day in and day out with the world behind our backs. You once told me that I should let go of my laptop and open up to you instead and I tried and it actually felt good getting for the first time getting a reply after I had stated all the things that I wanted to. And now when I try to write I can’t because now I’m expecting replies and I can’t get them from this thing. But there are some things which I’ve hidden from you. I’ve not told you how my parents are on the verge of a divorce and this was the reason I was crying on the trip which you took so lightly. I didn’t tell you that I’ve kept track of your menstruation cycle since the 9th of April, and I really try to be there for you always in whatever way I can see so that you do not feel low. I’ve not told you that I’ve made a folder in which I have the screenshot of every major conversation we ever had on Instagram or WhatsApp. I’ve not told you that I’ve loved every time you called me “Sweety”. I’ve not told you that that “PPPPPPPP” annoyed the hell out of me but I never said anything because you liked it and I found it cute. I’ve not told you that every time I said ‘I love you’, I expected an ‘I love you too’ in reply instead of ‘ I love myself too’ or ‘I Know’. But I never said anything because I remember that you told me that you couldn’t fulfil the expectations that I would have from you as a girlfriend and I never wanted you to realize that you are not loveable. Because you are. You are the most loveable person I’ve ever met. And I understand if you don’t want us to be together. I understood it on the 18th of March, and I understand it now. I just wanted you to know what I said on that day was also true. “I cannot just stop liking you. I like you, and that’s a fact, and I’m going to like you whether you like me or not”. I don’t know if you still like me or not. I would always be there for you. Forever. Waiting in a corner. And you can always trust me whether we’re together or not.