On The Brink of Life

Can I have another go?

The first ball is trial, right?

I'm smaller than you too.

Oh come on it was too fast.

Crying without Reason

These arguments don't work with time apparently

You lose, no matter what

But one day if I figure out a way to defeat time in the apex court

And the judgment is in my favor

I'd like another go at it

I'd like to live my life again from the very beginning

I'll do things correctly this time

I'll do things as they're supposed to be

In short, I'll live my life exactly as before

Do you know about the butterfly effect?

Even the slightest actions can bring about changes that no one can imagine

The flaps of a butterfly's wings can result in a tornado

I don't want to change how I turned out to be

Or maybe I do but I don't think I can get any better than this

This is the best version which is constantly upgrading

I don't care how many people call me boring

Or self-obsessed, or non-classy, or narcissistic, or just plain stupid

I like myself. I have my ideologies, my own thoughts.

I don't plagiarize, or maybe I do.

As Gauguin once said, art is either revolution or plagiarism.

But either way, I am my own self

I selectively plagiarize nature until I get what I want

Solace, inner peace, and most of all an anonymous yet known death

I don't want the death of Edison but rather that of Van Gogh

And I am quite a bit possessive about my death

I don't want to share it

That's why I don't want to change my life

Imagine being socially normal, being friends with lots of people

Having a girlfriend or a boyfriend

Having actual relationships

You get a life full of love and support but so is the death

Why don't people leave you alone in death?

Let you die in solace?

I don't want to change my life even one bit

I want to relive every major tragedy I faced as a 7-year-old

Whether it was transferring cities and leaving friends behind

Or getting thrashed for not submitting the notebook on time

Let it all happen, beauty and terror

No feeling is final

I want to stay as close to my lifestyle as possible

I remember shying away from the female gender during "Kanchak"

Oh what a feeling it was

Why can't I live that again?

I ask time to lend me some spare minutes at least

Being a reasonable argument it agrees

Just before death, I get to relive all of that

But how do I know if I'm not living that right now?

Is death a recursion?

Are we in an infinite loop of death?

At the brink of death, we relive our lives thus giving birth to a new life

It's a possible theory

I like it

That allows me to be a higher dimensional being

Maybe even God

Or better than God in some ways?

I relieve and choose to control my life rather than letting one control it for me

I like this

I won against time and I'm better than God

What better way to die?