Sleepless Cravings

Every single night I plan to sleep early

As early as 1 am

Every single night I ask Siri to wake me up at 8 am

Every single night she says “Your alarm is set to go off in 3 hours”

Why do I do this?

I don’t study, I don’t work

I don’t learn anything new

I don’t watch a movie or listen to songs or read or write

I just be

I exist and I skip through time

This has been weird and I don’t understand why

Why do I stay awake?

What do I do with this time?

I can’t understand anything still I sit upright

Staring at my LGBTQ lights

The bookshelf, now so bright

I move my head to my right

I see all the books I brought to read

And now they just lie here, waiting to be opened

I’ve given up on everything

I don’t read or write

I just stay in my place and try to be

And even that seems difficult to me

Why did you happen?

Why is it that every time I try to feel something,

Your face comes in front of me

I remember things from ages ago

6-month-old conversations randomly pop up in my head

Remembering everything is never a good thing

I miss you

I miss all of you

I got so many people now and all I try to do is fill that void

I really miss you

I got a new MacBook did you know?

You would’ve been so happy

Now that I’m team Mac

I really wanted to share it with you

I wish you were here

I wish I were close to you

I can still feel you sitting next to me in the mess

I can still remember every conversation we ever had

It was fun

You were fun

Before you weren’t

I miss the old you

The better you

The you who was naive but still cared about people

The you who wanted to change the world

And in the process be a better person

The you who was simply better

I miss you and I can’t do anything about it

I guess I'll just go to sleep now

Or I’ll just sit and miss you more

I really wish for your happiness

I really should wish for sleep instead